Imperial Sketches From Hell
by Snape No Koibito
Summary: Read it. Just... just read it, and don't forget to smile!
1. Imperial Inquisition

Aves: Trouble at the mill.   
Karrde: Oh - no - what kind of trouble?   
Aves: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle   
Karrde: Pardon ?   
Aves: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle   
Karrde: I don't understand what you're saying.   
Aves: (Slightly irritated, and spoken with a exaggerated clear Corellian accent)  
One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.   
Karrde: Well what on Earth does that mean?   
Aves: I don't know, Mara just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all. I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.   
  
( JARRING CHORD )  
The door flies open and the Imperial Inquisition enters. Captain Parck enters, flanked by two other Captains. Captain Gilad Pellaeon who wears a pair of TIE Fighter flight goggles on his head and speaks in an English accent. Captain Niriz also enters and is .... well indescribable)  
  
Parck: NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise .... surprise and fear .... fear and surprise .... Our two weapons are fear and surprise .... and ruthless efficiency .... Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency .... and an almost fanatical devotion to Grand Admiral Thrawn.... Our four .... no .... Amongst our weapons .... Amongst our weaponry .... are such elements as fear, surprise .... I'll come in again.   
  
( The Imperial Inquisition EXITS)   
  
Aves: I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.   
  
( JARRING CHORD ) (The Imperial Inquisition Enters)  
  
Parck: NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as : fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Grand Admiral Thrawn, and nice green uniforms - Oh damn ! ( To Captain Pellaeon ) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.   
Pellaeon: What!   
Park: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'   
Pellaeon: (Rather Horrified At The Prospect) I couldn't do that ...   
  
Parck bundles the Captains out of the room again.   
  
Aves: I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.   
  
( JARRING CHORD ) ( The Imperial Inquisition Enters Again)  
  
Pellaeon: Er .... Nobody .... um ....   
Park: Expects ....   
Pellaeon: Expects .... Nobody expects the .... um .... the Imperial .... um ....   
Park: Inquisition   
Pellaeon: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect ...   
Park: ( Interrupting Pellaeon ) Our chief weapons are ....   
Pellaeon: Our chief weapons are .... um .... er   
Park: Surprise ....   
Pellaeon: Surprise and ....   
Park: ( Interrupting Pellaeon Again) Okay, stop. STOP. Stop there - stop there Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise ... blah blah blah. Captain, read the charges.   
  
( Captain Niriz Comes Forward, From Behind Pellaeon And Parck. )  
  
Niriz: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. My old man said follow the ...   
Park: That's enough. ( To Karrde ) Now, how do you plead ?   
Karrde : We're innocent.   
Park: Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha !   
  
( Screen Caption : DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER )  
  
Park: We'll soon change your mind about that !   
  
( Screen Caption : DIABOLICAL ACTING )  
  
Park: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless .... ( Controls himself with a supreme effort ) ... Ooooh ! Now, Captain the rack !   
  
( Making a great show of it Captain Pellaeon produces a plastic covered dish drying rack from underneath his robes.  
Parck looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort to not lose control, he then hums heavily to himself to cover his anger. )  
  
Park: You .... Right! Tie him down.   
  
( Niriz and Pellaeon make a pathetic attempt to tie Karrde on to the drying rack. )  
  
Park: Right ! How do you plead ?   
Karrde : Innocent .   
Park: Ha ! Right ! Captain, give the rack ... oh dear .... give the rack a turn.   
  
( Captain Pellaeon Stands There Awkwardly, And Shrugs His Shoulders. )  
  
Pellaeon: I ....   
Park: ( Gritting His Teeth ) .... I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.   
Pellaeon: I ....   
Park: It makes it all seem so stupid.   
Pellaeon: Shall I .... ?   
Park: No, just pretend for God's sake.   
  
( Pellaeon turns an imaginary handle somewhere on the side of the dish-rack. The Captains all gather round the rack . )  
  
Park: Ha ! Ha ! Ha!   
  
( At this point Han Solo enters as a BBC management type person, and takes away Karrde to answer the door in another sketch. There are a number of connected sketches, until the Imperial Inquisition re-appears and captures Mara Jade, they then take her to what appears to be a castle dungeon. )  
  
Park: Now Miss Jade .... you are accused of heresy on three counts ... heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action .... four counts. Do you confess ?   
Mara: I don't understand what I am Accused of.   
Park: Ha ! then we shall make you understand ! Pellaeon ! Fetch .... THE CUSHIONS !   
  
( JARRING CHORD ) ( Pellaeon produces two ordinary and modern looking household cushions )  
  
Pellaeon: Here they are, lord.   
Park: Now, Jade .... you have one last chance, Confess the heinous sin of heresy, and reject the works of the ungodly .... two last chances, and you shall be free .... three last chances. You have three last chances the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.   
Mara: I don't know what you are talking about.   
Park: Right ! If that's the way you want it .... Captain ! Poke her with the soft cushions !   
  
( Pellaeon proceeds to carry out this rather pathetic form of torture. )  
  
Park: Confess ! Confess ! Confess !   
Pellaeon: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.   
Park: Have you got all the stuffing up one end ?   
Pellaeon: Yes lord.   
Park: ( Angrily Hurling Away The Cushions. ) Hm ! She is made of harder stuff ! Captain Niriz !  
Fetch ....... THE COMFY CHAIR !   
  
( JARRING CHORD ) ( The Camera Zooms In To A Close Up Of Captain Niriz's Terrified Face. )  
  
Niriz: ( Terrified )  
The ..... Comfy Chair ?   
  
(Niriz pushes in a chair, a pretty comfy looking one. )  
  
Park: So you think that you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well we shall see. Pellaeon ! Put her in the comfy chair !   
  
( The Captains roughly push the old woman into the comfy chair. )  
  
Park: ( With A Cruel Leer) Now .... You will stay in the comfy chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. ( Aside, To Pellaeon ) Is that really all it is ?   
Pellaeon: Yes, Captain.  
Park: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we ? Confess, woman. Confess ! Confess ! Confess ! Confess !   
Pellaeon: I confess !   
Park: Not you !  



	2. Self-Defense Against Fruit

Palpatine: get some discipline into those men, Admiral Thrawn!  
Thrawn: Right sir! Good evening, men.  
All (mumbling): Good evening.  
Thrawn: Where are all the others, then?  
All: They're not here.  
Thrawn: I can see that. What's the matter with them?  
All: Dunno.  
Pellaeon: Perhaps they've got 'flu.  
Thrawn: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.  
(Grumbles from all)  
Tschel: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.  
Thrawn: What do you mean?  
Parck: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.  
Thrawn: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?  
Pellaeon: Can't we do something else?  
Niriz: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?  
Thrawn: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...  
All: We done the passion fruit.  
Thrawn: What?  
Pellaeon: We've done the passion fruit.  
Parck: We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit...  
Tschel: Whole and segments.  
Pellaeon: Pomegranates, green gages...  
Niriz: Grapes, passion fruit...  
Parck: Lemons...  
Tschel: Plums...  
Niriz: Mangoes in syrup...  
Thrawn: How about cherries?  
All: We did them.  
Thrawn: Red *and* black?  
All: Yes!  
Thrawn: All right, bananas.  
  
(All sigh.)  
  
Thrawn: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.  
Pellaeon: Suppose he's got a bunch.  
Thrawn: Shut up.  
Niriz: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.  
Thrawn: Shut up. Right now you, Tinkerbell.  
Chapman: Tschel.  
Thrawn: Sorry, Tschel. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)  
Tschel: Aaagh! (dies.)  
Thrawn: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)  
Pellaeon: You shot him!  
Niriz: He's dead!  
Parck: He's completely dead!  
Thrawn: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Tschel, is now helpless.  
Pellaeon: You shot him. You shot him dead.  
Thrawn: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.  
Pellaeon: But you told him to.  
Thrawn: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.  
Niriz: And pointed sticks.  
Thrawn: Shut up.  
Parck: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?  
Thrawn: Run for it.  
Pellaeon: You could stand and scream for help.  
Thrawn: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.  
Niriz: A pineapple?  
Thrawn: Where? Where?  
Niriz: No I just said: a pineapple.  
Thrawn: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.  
Pellaeon: What, on the pineapple?  
Thrawn: Where? Where?  
Pellaeon: No, I was just repeating it.  
Thrawn: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr. Tin Peach.  
Parck: Parck.  
Thrawn: Parck. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.  
Parck: No.  
Thrawn: Why not?  
Parck: You'll shoot me.  
Thrawn: I won't.  
Parck: You shot Mr. Harrison.  
Thrawn: That was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.  
Niriz: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.  
Thrawn: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.  
Parck: Throw the gun away.  
Thrawn: I haven't got a gun.  
Parck: You have.  
Thrawn: Haven't.  
Parck: You shot Tschel with it.  
Thrawn: Oh, that gun.  
Parck: Throw it away.  
Thrawn: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun.  
Parck: You were going to shoot me!  
Thrawn: I wasn't.  
Parck: You were!  
Thrawn: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...  
  
(Thrawn pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! A 16-ton weight falls on Parck)  
  
Parck: Aaagh.  
Thrawn: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.  
Pellaeon: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?  
Thrawn: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.  
Pellaeon: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?  
Thrawn: Look, look, look, Mr. Know-it-all. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!  
Niriz: Like what?  
Thrawn: Shooting him?  
Pellaeon: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?  
Thrawn: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.  
Pellaeon: No guns.  
Thrawn: No.  
Pellaeon: No 16-ton weights.  
Thrawn: No.  
Niriz: No pointed sticks.  
Thrawn: Shut up.  
Pellaeon: No rocks up in the ceiling.  
Thrawn: No.  
Pellaeon: And you won't kill us.  
Thrawn: I won't.  
Niriz: Promise.  
Thrawn: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?  
Pellaeon and Niriz: Oh, all right.  
Thrawn: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn my back. Stalk up behind me; lose behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? Okay, start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger!  
  
(He does so. Growls. Screams.)  
  
Thrawn: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...  
  
(Explosion)  



	3. Jedi and How to Build Bridges Out of The...

CROWD: A Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi! We've found a Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi! We've got a Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found a Jedi! We've found a Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi!  
LEUITENANT #1: We have found a Jedi. May we burn him?  
CROWD: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Burn him!  
PELLAEON: How do you know he is a Jedi?  
LEUITENANT #2: He looks like one.  
CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!  
PELLAEON: Bring him forward.  
LUKE: I'm not a Jedi. I'm not a Jedi.  
PELLAEON: Uh, but you are dressed as one.  
LUKE: They dressed me up like this.  
CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...  
LUKE: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.  
PELLAEON: Well?  
LEUITENANT #1: Well, we did do the nose.  
PELLAEON: The nose?  
LEUITENANT #1: And the hat, but he is a Jedi!  
VILLAGER #2: Yeah!  
CROWD: We burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaaah!  
PELLAEON: Did you dress him up like this?  
LEUITENANT #1: No!  
LEUITENANT #2 and 3: No. No.  
LEUITENANT #2: No.  
LEUITENANT #1: No.  
LEUITENANT #2 and #3: No.  
LEUITENANT #1: Yes.  
LEUITENANT #2: Yes.  
LEUITENANT #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.  
LEUITENANT #3: A bit.  
LEUITENANT #1 and #2: A bit.  
LEUITENANT #3: A bit.  
LEUITENANT #1: He has got a wart.  
RANDOM: [cough]  
PELLAEON: What makes you think he is a Jedi?  
LEUITENANT #3: Well, he turned me into a newt.  
PELLAEON: A newt?  
LEUITENANT #3: I got better.  
LEUITENANT #2: Burn him anyway!  
LEUITENANT #1: Burn!  
CROWD: Burn him! Burn! Burn him!...  
PELLAEON: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a Jedi.  
LEUITENANT #1: Are there?  
LEUITENANT #2: Ah?  
LEUITENANT #1: What are they?  
CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...  
LEUITENANT #2: Do they hurt?  
PELLAEON: Tell me. What do you do with Jedies?  
LEUITENANT #2: Burn!  
LEUITENANT #1: Burn!  
CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...  
PELLAEON: And what do you burn apart from Jedies?  
LEUITENANT #1: More Jedies!  
LEUITENANT #3: Shh!  
LEUITENANT #2: Wood!  
PELLAEON: So, why do Jedies burn?  
[pause]  
LEUITENANT #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?  
PELLAEON: Good! Heh heh.  
CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.  
PELLAEON: So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood?  
LEUITENANT #1: Build a bridge out of him.  
PELLAEON: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?  
LEUITENANT #1: Oh, yeah.  
RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...  
PELLAEON: Does wood sink in water?  
LEUITENANT #1: No. No.  
LEUITENANT #2: No, it floats! It floats!  
LEUITENANT #1: Throw him into the pond!  
CROWD: The pond! Throw him into the pond!  
PELLAEON: What also floats in water?  
LEUITENANT #1: Bread!  
LEUITENANT #2: Apples!  
LEUITENANT #3: Uh, very small rocks!  
LEUITENANT #1: Cider!  
LEUITENANT #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!  
LEUITENANT #1: Chimries!  
LEUITENANT #2: Mud!  
LEUITENANT #3: Uh, churches! Churches!  
LEUITENANT #2: Lead! Lead!  
THRAWN: A duck!  
CROWD: Ooooh.  
PELLAEON: Exactly. So, logically...  
LEUITENANT #1: If... he... weighs... the same as a duck... he's made of wood.  
PELLAEON: And therefore?  
LEUITENANT #2: A Jedi!  
LEUITENANT #1: A Jedi!  
CROWD: A Jedi! A Jedi!...  
LEUITENANT #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck.  
[quack quack quack]  
PELLAEON: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.  
CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Jedi! Burn the Jedi! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh...  
PELLAEON: Right. Remove the supports!  
[whop]  
[clunk]  
[creak]  
CROWD: A Jedi! A Jedi! A Jedi!  
LUKE: It's a fair cop.  
LEUITENANT #3: Burn him!  
CROWD: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn! Burn!...  
PELLAEON: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?  
THRAWN: I am Grand Admiral Thrawn, Warlord of the Empire.  
PELLAEON: My Lord!  
THRAWN: Good Captain, will you come with me to the space port and join us on the Chimaera  
PELLAEON: My lord! I would be honored.  
ARTHUR: What is your name?  
PELLAEON: 'Gilad Pellaeon', my lord.  
ARTHUR: Then I dub you 'Gilad Pellaeon, Captain of the Chimaera'.  
  



	4. Just Die Already

[thud]  
[clang]  
A/N: Just like to add here that no copyright infringement is intended and that since I have no money, suing me would be very pointless.  
  
  
TSCHEL: Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
[cough cough...]  
[clang]  
[...cough cough]  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead! Nine pence.  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang]  
Bring out...  
[rewr!]  
...your dead!  
[rewr!]  
[clang]  
Bring out your dead!  
KARRDE: Here's one.  
TSCHEL: Nine pence.  
AVES: I'm not dead!  
TSCHEL: What?  
KARRDE: Nothing. Here's your nine pence.  
AVES: I'm not dead!  
TSCHEL: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!  
KARRDE: Yes, he is.  
AVES: I'm not!  
TSCHEL: He isn't?  
KARRDE: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.  
AVES: I'm getting better!  
KARRDE: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.  
TSCHEL: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.  
AVES: I don't want to go on the cart!  
KARRDE: Oh, don't be such a baby.  
TSCHEL: I can't take him.  
AVES: I feel fine!  
KARRDE: Well, do us a favour.  
TSCHEL: I can't.  
KARRDE: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.  
TSCHEL: No, I've got to go to the Skywalkers'. They've lost nine today.  
KARRDE: Well, when's your next round?  
TSCHEL: Thursday.  
AVES: I think I'll go for a walk.  
KARRDE: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?  
AVES: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy.  
[whop]  
KARRDE: Ah, thanks very much.  
TSCHEL: Not at all. See you on Thursday.  
KARRDE: Right. All right.  
[howl]  
[clop clop clop]  
Who's that, then?  
TSCHEL: I dunno. Must be a Grand Admiral.  
KARRDE: Why?  
TSCHEL: He hasn't got shit all over him.  
  



	5. Don't Say Anything About the Fork

The Restaurant Sketch  
  
[SCENE : A COUPLE ARE SEATED AT A TABLE IN A RESTAURANT.]  
  
Parck: It's nice here, isn't it?  
Thrawn: Oh, very good restaurant, three stars you know.  
Parck: Really?  
Thrawn: Mmmn...  
Pellaeon: Good evening, sir! Good evening, madam! And may I  
say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir!  
Thrawn: Oh thank you. Well there you are dear. Have a look there,  
anything you like. The boeuf en croute is fantastic.  
Pellaeon: Oh if I may suggest, sir... the pheasant a'la reine, the sauce  
is one of the chefs most famous creations.  
Thrawn: Em... that sounds good. Anyway just have a look... take your  
time. Oh, er by the way - got a bit of a dirty fork, could  
you... er... get me another one?  
Pellaeon: I beg your pardon?  
Thrawn: Oh it's nothing... er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty.  
Could you get me another one? Thank you.  
Pellaeon: Oh ... sir, I do apologize.  
Thrawn: Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me.  
Pellaeon: Oh no, no, no, I do apologize! I will fetch the head waiter  
immediately.  
Thrawn: Oh, there's no need to do that!  
Pellaeon: Oh, no no... I'm sure the head waiter, he will want to  
apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once.  
Parck: Well, you certainly get good service here.  
Thrawn: They really look after you... yes.  
Niriz: Excuse me sirs. (examines the fork) It's  
filthy, Pellaeon... find out who washed this up, and give them  
their cards immediately.  
Thrawn: Oh, no, no!  
Niriz: Better still, we can't afford to take any chances, sack the  
entire washing-up staff.  
Thrawn: No, look I don't want to make any trouble.  
Niriz: Oh, no please, no trouble. It's quite right that you should  
point these kind of things out. Gaston, tell the manager what  
has happened immediately! [THE WAITER RUNS OFF]  
Thrawn: Oh, no I don't want to cause any fuss.  
Niriz: Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply wish to ensure that  
nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal.  
Thrawn: Oh I'm sure it won't, it was only a dirty fork.  
Niriz: I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that...  
no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our  
restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece  
of cutlery...  
Thrawn: It wasn't smelly.  
Niriz: It was smelly, and obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I  
hate it... nasty, grubby, dirty, mangy, scrubby little fork.  
Oh... oh... oh... [RUNS OFF IN A PASSION AS THE MANAGER (VADER) COMES  
TO THE TABLE]  
Vader: Good evening, sir, good evening, madam. I am the manager.  
I've only just heard... may I sit down?  
Thrawn: Yes, of course.  
Vader: I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the  
fork.  
Thrawn: Oh please, it's only a tiny bit... I couldn't see it.  
Vader: Ah you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but I can  
see it... to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus.  
Thrawn: It's not as bad as that.  
Vader: It gets me here. I can't give you any excuses for it - there  
are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the  
restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well...  
[EMOTIONALLY] things aren't going very well back there. The  
poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs.  
Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her poor  
fingers, and then there's Gilberto's war wound - but they're  
good people, and they're kind people, and together we were  
beginning to get over this dark patch... there was light at  
the end of the tunnel... [gets the fork and raises it]  
now this!... now this!...  
Thrawn: Can I get you some water?  
Vader: [IN TEARS] It's the end of the road!!  
  
[THE COOK (TSCHEL) COMES IN; HE IS VERY BIG AND COMES A MEAT CLEAVER.]  
  
Tschel: [SHOUTING] You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards!  
Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the  
bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your  
petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this  
fine, honorable Man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss.  
Oh... it makes me mad... mad! [SLAMS CLEAVER INTO THE TABLE]  
  
[THE HEAD WAITER (NIRIZ) COMES IN AND TRIES TO RESTRAIN HIM.]  
  
Niriz: Easy, Tschel, easy... Tschel... [CLUTCHES HIS HEAD IN AGONY]  
the war wound!... the wound... the wound...  
Vader: This is the end! The end! Aaargh!! [STABS HIMSELF WITH THE  
FORK]  
Tschel: They've destroyed him! He's dead!! They killed him!!!  
[GOES COMPLETELY MAD]  
Niriz: [TRYING TO RESTRAIN HIM] Tschel... never kill a customer.  
Tschel: [IN PAIN] Oh... the wound! The wound!  
[TSCHEL AND NIRIZ FIGHT FURIOASLY AND FALL OVER THE TABLE]  
  
[ON THE SCREEN A CAPTION APPEARS - 'AND NOW THE PUNCH-LINE']  
  
Thrawn: Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife...  
  
The End  



	6. Nudge, Nudge, Knowwhatimean?

NUDGE, NUDGE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN SKETCH  
Episode 3 of series 1  
from "Monty Python Live at City Center"  
Sketch written by Eric Idle  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Tschel: 'Evening, Squire!  
Thrawn (stiffly) Good evening.  
Tschel: (pause) Is, uh,... Is Pellaeon a goer, ay? Know whatahmean,  
know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?  
Thrawn I, uh, I beg your pardon?  
Tschel: Your, uh, the Captain, does he go, ay, does he go, ay?  
Thrawn (flustered) Well, he sometimes *goes*, yes.  
Tschel: Aaaaaaaay bet he does, I bet he does, say no more, say no more,  
knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?  
  
(Tschel elbows Thrawn)  
  
Thrawn (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.  
Tschel: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good  
as a wink to a blind bat!  
Thrawn Are you, uh,...are you selling something?  
Tschel: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked  
Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!  
Thrawn Well, I, uh....  
Tschel: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?  
Thrawn Um, he likes sport, yes!  
Tschel: I bet he does, I bet he does!  
Thrawn As a matter of fact he's very fond of cricket.  
Tschel: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew he would. Likes games, eh? He's  
been around a bit, been around?  
Thrawn He has traveled, yes. He's from Scarsdale.  
  
(pause)  
  
Tschel: SAY NO MORE!! (pause) Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore,  
Squire!  
Thrawn I wasn't going to!  
Tschel: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is Captain Pellaeon interested  
in....photography, ay? "Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?  
Thrawn Photography?  
Tschel: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?  
Thrawn Holiday snaps, eh?  
Tschel: They *could* be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know,  
CANDID photography?  
Thrawn No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.  
Tschel: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay?  
Hohohohohoho, ay?  
Thrawn Look... are you insinuating something?  
Tschel: Oh, no, no, no...yes.  
Thrawn Well?  
Tschel: Well, you're a man of the world, Admiral...  
Thrawn Yes...  
Tschel: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh....  
You've "done it"...  
Thrawn What do you mean?  
Tschel: Well, I mean like... you've SLEPT, with a lady...  
Thrawn Well, yes...  
Tschel: What's it like?  
  
The End  
  



	7. Buying a Warship

THE "BUYING A BED" SKETCH  
Episode 8 of series 1  
from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Prepared by John MacKanacKy (jsuliga@lb.ists.pwr.wroc.pl)  
Check out my WWW HomePage : http://www.ists.pwr.wroc.pl/~jsuliga  
  
CHARACTERS:  
  
  
  
  
SCENE: Thrawn and Pellaeon enter the shop.  
  
Thrawn: Hello, we would like to buy a warship, please.  
Karrde: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.  
Pellaeon: Thank you.  
Karrde: Aves!  
Aves: Can I help you, sir?  
Thrawn: Yes, we'd like a warship, a big one, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty credits.  
Aves: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest ship is eight hundred thousand million credits, sir.  
Thrawn & Pellaeon: Eight hundred thousand million credits?  
Karrde: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Aves does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be 29 times too high.  
Thrawn: I see.  
Karrde: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.  
Thrawn: I see. Er... your cheapest ship then is eighty credits?  
Aves: Eight hundred thousand million credits, yes, sir.  
Thrawn: I see. And how wide is it?  
Aves: It's 17 feet wide.  
Thrawn: Yes...  
Pellaeon: (whispers) 17 feet!  
Thrawn: (shrugs)  
Pellaeon: (whispers) Oh.  
Thrawn: ...and the length?  
Aves: The length is ... er... just a moment. Karrde, what is the length of the Corellian Corvette we just brought in from Corellia?  
Karrde: Ah. Two feet long.  
Thrawn: Two feet long?  
Aves: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Karrde says by 8. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.  
Thrawn: (confused) I see, I'm sorry.  
Aves: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact 160 feet long, all right?  
Thrawn: Yes, I see.  
Aves: That's without the crew, of course.  
Thrawn: How much is that?  
Aves: Er, Karrde will be able to tell you that. Karrde! Could you show these twenty good people the vornskyr support frames, please?  
Thrawn: Vornskyr support frames? No, no, the crew!  
Aves: I'm sorry, you have to say 'vornskyr kennel' to Karrde, because if you say 'crew' he puts a paper bag over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.  
Thrawn: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the vornskyr support frames, please, hm?  
Karrde: Vornskyr support frames?  
Thrawn: Yes, we want to look at the vornskyr support frames, hm.  
Karrde: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.  
Thrawn: No, no, no, we want to see the VORNSKYR SUPPORT FRAMES.  
Karrde: (irritated) Yes, second floor.  
Thrawn: No, we don't want to see vornskyr support frames, it's just that Aves said that...  
Karrde: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?  
Thrawn: Well, he said we should say 'vornskyr support frames' instead of saying 'crews'.  
  
(Karrde puts a paper bag on his head)  
  
Thrawn: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?  
Aves: (approaching) Did you say 'crew'?  
Thrawn: Well, yes, er...  
Karrde: (muffled) I'm not coming out!  
Aves: I did *ask* you not to say 'crew', didn't I?  
Thrawn: But I mean, er...  
Karrde: (muffled) I'm not!  
Thrawn: Oh.  
Aves: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.  
Thrawn: Oh.  
Aves: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...  
Mara: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say crew to Karrde?  
Thrawn: Yes, I did.  
  
(Mara gives nasty look at Thrawn)  
  
Aves: (still singing) ...walk upon Alderaan's mountains green...  
(Mara joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...  
  
(Karrde removes bucket; Aves and Mara immediately stop singing; Mara leaves.)  
  
Aves: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!  
Thrawn: No, no. (to Karrde) Excuse me, could we see the vornskyr support frames please?  
Karrde: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second floor.  
Thrawn: No, no, no. Those vornskyr support frames, like that. You see?  
Karrde: Crews?  
Thrawn: (relieved) Yes.  
Karrde: But if you want a crew, why not say 'crew'?  
Thrawn: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...  
Karrde: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'vornskyr kennel' if you want a crew. Why not just say 'crew'?  
Thrawn: But you put a paper bag over your head last time we said 'crew'.  
  
(Karrde puts the paper bag over his head again)  
  
Aves: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...  
Mara: (to Thrawn) We *did* ask! (duet) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...  
  
(Singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue.)  
  
Chin: (running in) Did somebody say 'crew' to Karrde?  
  
(Mara points angrily towards the Thrawn and Pellaeon)  
  
Aves: *Twice*!  
Chin: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'crew' to Karrde -- *twice*! (joins in the singing)  
  
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)  
  
Aves: It's not working, we need more!  
  
(The entire Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Karrde removes the bag again and they stop singing)  
  
Karrde: I'm sorry, can I help you?  
Pellaeon: (brightly) We want a crew!  
  
(Karrde puts the bag over his head again. Aves, Thrawn and Mara all groan and glare accusingly at Pellaeon)  
  
Pellaeon: But it's my only line!!!  
  
The End.  



End file.
